Thursday, September 11, 2008

Religimon: Gotta convert em all!

With so many faiths vying for your attention in this modern world it really can get a little bit daunting, every faith has differing strengths, weaknesses and specialties, just like pokemon funnily enough. So in a mood reminiscent of my younger days ogling at trading cards at the Armagedden Expo I feel that religion needs the pokemon treatment and have thus created a Religidex, an encyclopedia of Religimon available to all young trainers by the Religimon Institute. Here are just a few entries:

Out of all the religimon available to trainers Islamachu has gained notoriety for what has been deemed by its critics as a ‘savage’ and ‘primitive’ attacking style, however professors at the Religimon Institute argue that as a religimon derived from a much more temperate climate in the East its fighting style is only natural. Commonly found in hot sandy areas, the males’ duty under the Islamachu’s Sharia law is to venture out to collect sustenance and socialise leaving their female partners shrouded in caves to look after their young, therefore making the female of the species a rare find. When hunting this religimon it is important for trainers to be aware of its surprise attacks in sand dune areas often initiated by roadside explosives normally laced with rocks and other assorted objects, following this the Islamachu commonly utilises sharp stone objects fashioned into knives to cut the enemy as well as spitting acidic gastric juices into the eyes of the opponent in order to blind them. It is also worthy to note that when very low on health an Islamachu may resort to its special attack, dukka-dukka-Muhammed-el-Jihad, which consists the Islamachu stabbing itself in order to taint its knife with its gastric juices and wildly stabbing the enemy until it runs out of energy. Some trainers question the effectiveness of this special attack however as the Islamachu rarely survives the attack, earning it the nickname of the Suicide Slasher.

Traditionally a favourite among many trainers in Western societies its general versatility in most battle situations this flying religimon has proved to be popular. However as it gains experience it is essential for younger male trainers to be wary of its tendency to disobey orders, and at times even violate, sexually, several codes of religimon-trainer codes of conduct. This can be solved conveniently with exposure to the Luther-stone which will give the religimon a chance to evolve to its more powerful and Pure form named Jesuitidor. Christindon are renowned for their physical reliability in battle situations wielding a large crucifix that has a 20% chance of inflicting leprecy on the opponent, damaging them over time. A Christindon’s special attack is unique in that it does not physically harm the opponent, rather it mentally castrates. The special attack, Born-Again Rhetoric, consists of the Christindon puffing itself up to a larger size and loudly proclaiming the love of Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, this can result in either the opponent falling asleep or, more commonly, fleeing the battle altogether in frustration.

Caution and patience is advised for this religimon as in its early stages it is fairly weak, however as it gains experience – with the combination of monetary encouragement – the Jewdachop grows into a very powerful, yet physically small, force. Exact locations as to where to capture a Jewdachop are constantly updated as this species of religimon is often bullied by others, subsequently forcing it to evacuate its habitat and search for a new dwelling. It is rumoured that there is a colony of Jewdachops fiercely guarding large quantities of golden Jewdrops – the Jewdachop’s form of currency and a delicacy to many trainers. In combat this species of religimon is largely stationary and thus takes a fair amount of damage, this is balanced out however with scratching and biting of the opponent and its special attack: the notorious excrement cannon. The excrement cannon is a powerful attack developed by Jewdachops as they gain experience resulting in the resurfacing of memories of being shat on for their lives in the wild by other religimon. This attack is among the more powerful religimon special attacks recorded, in fact during the 1947 religimon games in Paraguay a Jewdachop famously let one loose on an Islamachu obliterating it and knocking the rival trainer unconscious from the stench, ever since then it has been every Jewdachop trainer’s dream to achieve this mighty feat.

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