Coughing and Hacking Away

Winter brings many things: snow, rain, misery for those pansies who get depressed by the weather, and for my body an excuse to go crook. I don’t know who’s suffering more me lacking sleep, my flatmates with my coughing in the kitchen (sorry), or people in my lectures having to deal with me dying slowly in the corner.

The other day I was sitting in a two hour Cultural Studies lecture when I began to feel the beginnings of another courageously loud coughing fit coming on. With as much gusto I could muster I tried fighting it, as a few seats along from me was a wee lass I’d been eying for a while, but all this resulted in was a very uncomfortable throat and then one almighty burst out loud of hacking which managed to stall even the seasoned lecturer. In another lecture two girls sat next to me and one of them proclaimed to her friend that she felt “soooo sick” because of her cough which she then showed off. For the first time since attaining this cough I actually found a positive use for it, shutting that slapper up: less than five minutes later I managed this (proudly I must add) while also shutting everyone else up in class. Yep the sick guy has some silencing power.

But there is an upside to coughing so much, for the first time in my life I have abs! So yeah send the ladies my way and I’ll razzle and dazzle them with my looks but for fucks sake don’t let me open my mouth otherwise they’ll be showered in spit. It’s gotten to the point that I’m hacking so much not only has my diaphragm strengthened (abs fuck yeah) but I’ve also discovered some muscles in the back of my head I didn’t know were there. You know the ones at the very top of your neck? Yeah me neither.

I was chatting to a flatmate who began to compare my hacking fits to his whooping cough he had when he was in high school. Apparently he was coughing so badly that he started to have bleeding noses and throwing up...I’ve got to say I hate him now. To combat my suffering throat I’ve consumed an entire bottle of Robatussin, an icecream every night, half a pack of panadol and multiple cups of tea and milo, despite me being slightly buzzed while writing this because of the combination of these student remedies and a bit of whisky I’m still struggling to last five minutes.